now playing... "devil may care" cuz i need to figure out where this story's going.

k, so tomorrow i will be twenty. having v. v. bad reservations about this. cannot be aging at such an alarming rate. just yesterday was in high school. also can't believe i'm freaking out this much over twenty- will probably need to be medicated and/or hospitalized for forty.

as have now resumed tortuous work at card shoppe, discussed this perilous development with new girl working there- formerly of russia, been in the country three years. v. complacent about birthday issue. says that yes, twenty was a big deal for her- especially in russia for some weird reason- but that she was cool with it because she knew that she had seen and done things that forty-five year olds had not done- that she had been places, learned things that they would be envious of- that she had led a life well spent up to that point.

i have not. unless i do some pretty amazing things tonight, it shall not be that way for me. i'm going to be the forty year old with the regrets- assuming, however, that i live that long. ("stress- it's a killer." )

yes- that is the prime achievement of my twenty years- i know my entertainment. i know lines from practically every movie i've ever seen, i can recite passages out of my favorite books by heart, verbatim, i know which actor won which award for what film. and that's about it. all i'm good for is a thirty second spot on E! sad, really.

is it any wonder that i quake in fear upon knowing that tomorrow is coming and i can't stop it?